youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
