I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
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Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
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You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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