I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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