You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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