I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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