woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
