why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
