Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
