"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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