So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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