I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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