I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
