I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
