A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
