P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
