Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
