I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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