"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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