Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
