I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
