so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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