I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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