Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
two words: eviction party
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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