at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
