Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
