Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Randomize
