She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
