Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
