But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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