I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just had sex on a roof
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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