i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
