based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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