I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
