your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
