Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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