DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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