Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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