o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
