he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
This can only be settled by a dance off.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
