My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
