aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
