I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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