Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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