There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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