I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
