she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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