Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
