screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
