brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
