I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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