I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
