I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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