I accidentally had phone sex last night
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
