Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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