The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
