I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
