He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
