Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
