home. puking in laundry basket.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
