I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
my liver is dry heaving
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
